"The 'Coffee' Table"

2022; written by Cristina Borobia and Caye Casas; directed by Caye Casas

After hearing from various sources that The Coffee Table was an unusual and unmissable watch, I decided to give it a try. And while I was watching it I had some thoughts.

1. That's not a coffee table.

2. There's no such thing as unbreakable glass. Tempered glass, yes, and that would have definitely been a better choice than the kind that so easily breaks into deadly shards.

3. Who needs five screws and only has four? I've assembled a lot of furniture from Ikea, and they're usually pretty symmetrical.

4. And who expects the sales person to hand-deliver the missing screw within a few minutes?

5. She's a bitch. He's an asshole. These two had no business having children.

6. Who tries to hide their sliced-up baby in its crib? No one will ever find it there!

7. You don't have ANY cleaning supplies? These people are pigs.

8. This movie thinks we're as stupid as the people in it.

9. Why, yes. Yes I am painting the baby's room blood red.

10. Don't blame the Swedes. Or the Chinese.

11. You don't clean up blood from a carpet with a mop.

12. He's an asshole. She's a bitch. And so is that neighbor girl.

13. How did he fix that dripping? I guess it doesn't matter. I guess none of this does.

14. That's not a chicken. It's Big Bird, you dummy.

15. You're going to wake the baby!

16. That's not a suicide message. Not with the door open. That's just a cry for help.

17. Spoiler: The baby's head is under the armchair?!

18. Didn't take much to make that vegan throw up.

19. Contrary to the salesman's promises, this table did not change their lives for the better. It did not fill their home with happiness.

20. Jesus should have let Maria pick out the coffee table too.